Wedding Finance

Ask Amy: Dad Tries To Control His Son’s Family Finances

The new, bigger house has appreciated 20% since we bought it, and they both really want to move in, but they haven’t kept up their end of the bargain.

If I cancel this deal or delay the sale of this house, she’ll go crazy.

She is VERY stubborn. My son needs to stand up to him, but I’m hesitant (I’ve tried) to put that on him because he’s in treatment for depression – this depression has really changed him.

He spoke of failure and suicide.

I just can’t stand a lifestyle that provides 37 pairs of underwear for their 4 year old daughter.

His mother and I want to do the best.

Dad: You’re trying to control this couple, and that’s the worst way to go.

If they’re that bad with money, aren’t you setting them up for failure by putting them in a “new and bigger” home? How are they going to pay for the upkeep and taxes of this more valuable property?

And because you have such low regard for her and a lack of compassion for her, they shouldn’t be financially entangled with you.

Overall, if you’re trying to inspire someone to change, you need to agree on specific, achievable steps. “Improve the way they manage their money” is a vague stipulation. Are you in charge of deciding if they have “improved?”

This arrangement also tricks you into thinking you have the right to count their young daughter’s underwear, which you don’t. It’s extremely disrespectful to everyone in the family.

This lack of respect is potentially disastrous for your relationship with this family. Your lack of boundaries and harsh judgment will have a negative impact on your son’s mental health.

“This story of depression” is real. Depression is a serious illness, and your son should focus on his health and treatment, not your satisfaction.

Your son probably needs someone to stand up to, but in my opinion, you are the person he needs to stand up to. Unfortunately, his depression probably deprived him of the strength to do so.

If you’ve made a deal, you need to stick to your end. And then you should remove yourself from all financial control.

If you and your wife want to help out, you can put your extra money into a college fund for your granddaughter.

dear Amy: My aunt suddenly lost her husband after more than 50 years of marriage.

My uncle was the last living member of this generation on my father’s side. Although we live apart, my aunt and uncle were very nice to me when I was little. We reconnected when my father passed away several years ago and we talked often.

I’ve tried to stay in fairly constant contact with my aunt since my uncle’s death.

While my uncle was nice to me, I now learn that he wasn’t a very good husband or father. My aunt shares more than I should know, but I want to be there for her.

How can I continue to support it, but spare myself the graphic details?

Torn: You should continue to listen with compassion, while understanding that one of the ways (some) people express their grief after a sudden death is through anger.

She let him out. Connect with her children to ensure they are providing emotional support for their mother.

Look for a bereavement group in her community and encourage her to attend meetings and connect with others.

Also understand that some people wear many masks.

Dear Amy: I don’t always agree with you, but I do agree with your answer to “Concerned sisterwhich described a situation where she harbored her niece’s boyfriend and kept him a secret from her own sister.

I’m glad you championed his need to be transparent about a situation that seems doomed.

Was there: This seemed like a situation where adults needed to be aware.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency